Not Again!
by Mara-DragonMaster
Summary: A humorous rendition exploring, once again, Daniel's attraction to trouble and women. In Jack's words, How does he do it?


Not Again!

By Mara-DragonMaster

"Alright, campers." Jack announced, squinting through his sunglasses at the miles of sand. "Here we have sand and– more sand. No trees!" he said brightly. "That's a first."

Daniel pulled out his binoculars and looked through them. "I see something!"

"What?" Sam asked.

"I don't know. I'm going to check it out. But don't worry; if I run into anything nasty or scary, I'll yell for help."

"Oh no you don't! We're all going with you this time."

"But sir, I need to take some samples–"

"Ah! Carter, when is Daniel ever able to yell for help before something nasty and scary happens?"

"Never, O'Neil."

"Thank you, Teal'c. Alright, move out."

It was, in fact, a crumbling village made out of rock. They entered one of the buildings; dust floated through the air in clouds.

"Achoo!"

"Bless you, Daniel Jackson."

"Thank you, Teal'c. Achoo!" Removing his hand from his mouth Daniel wiped it on his pants, his eyes locked on a strange, carved projection on the far wall. Without waiting for anyone else he jogged towards it. "What is that?"

Jack, Sam, and Teal'c turned.

"Jackson, do not touch…!"

"Daniel! Don't!"

"Daniel Jackson, it is unwise…!"

Too late. Daniel leaned close, staring into the brightly lit center of the projection. Focusing as the red light began to grow brighter he leaned closer. Suddenly there was an explosion of light, knocking everyone to the ground, rocks raining down on them. When it ended they all sat up and looked around for Daniel.

"I have located Daniel Jackson, O'Neil."

"Where?"

"He is here. He appears to be unconscious."

"Well, grab him up and let's get out of here!" Jack ordered. "Carter, back to the DHD and dial us out!"

"Yes, sir!"

Back at the base Daniel woke up in the infirmary. 'What happened this time?' he wondered.

'_This time? Does this happen a lot then? Oops– wait, I see– yes it does_.'

Daniel jumped off the bed. "Who's there?"

'_So sorry– my name is Candice, Princess of Canderia_.'

"Where are you?"

A passing nurse looked at him oddly.

'_In your head. Thank you, by the way, although I and several others would have much preferred a female body_–'

"Others?" Daniel squeaked.

"Daniel?" Janet came into the room. "Are you okay?"

"Just fiii…" Suddenly his voice went high and soft, and his eyes looked out through his eyelashes. "Hello, my name is Candice, Princess of Canderia. You must be– hold on, let me see– Doctor Janet Frasier?"

Janet stepped back. "Daniel? What are you doing?"

"I am not Daniel, I am Candice, as I told you. This is a very interesting facility. May I speak to whoever's in charge?"

Jack came in, followed by Sam and Teal'c. "Daniel, why are you talking that way?"

Blue eyes grew large. "Wow– you're much better looking in person! And look at his muscles!" Daniel nodded at Teal'c.

The three team members froze. "Ookay," Jack said slowly. "Who are you and what have you done with Daniel?"

"I am Candice, Princess of Canderia. Is there someone in charge with whom we can speak with?"

"We as in…?"

"I and the others with me."

Sam's eyes grew large. "There are more of you?"

"Indeed; I and all my serving maids. Who is in charge?" Just then Daniel's voice and expression changed. "Jack, get her out of me!"

"Daniel?" Jack asked dubiously.

"Yes, it's me! Get her out!"

'_Wow– that woman is really pretty! I've never seen blue eyes and yellow hair before. Is she yours_?'

"What?!"

'_Well, I can see in here that you really like her. I mean, look– every time you think of her you get butterflies and your heart starts to pound and_…'

"Shh!"

"What? I didn't say anything."

"Not you, Jack–"

'_Now that I see her I can see why you're so attracted to her. I mean, look at those lips_!'

Daniel's eyes grew large as he stared at Sam, and his face turned beet red. Sam took a step back. "Daniel?"

'_You know what, I like what I see in here. Excuse me, Daniel, my turn. I need to_…'

"You're name is Jack O'Neil?" Daniel said sweetly.

Jack nodded. "Let me guess, Candice?"

"Indeed. I have a request. I would like to have Daniel as my husband."

"What?!"

"All I would ask is that some other persons– preferably female– be found for my maids."

Jack threw his hands up in the air. "I don't believe it! Not only does he become possessed by some alien thing again, but yet another alien princess has fallen in love with him and wants to marry him! How does he do it?"

"I don't know, sir." Janet said, "But we need to get them out of him as soon as possible. My tests show that his brain is going to short-circuit if they stay in there."

"Right! Back to the planet!"

"But sir, I don't think General Hammond will allow you to go back when that is where this happened in the first place."

"Of course he will. We're SG1. He always agrees with our crazy plans."

Sure enough, General Hammond agreed to let them go. It was interesting, watching Daniel attempt to walk through the gate and across the barren landscape towards the village. It was as though he were a puppet trying to walk on its own, his arms and legs constantly pulling and jerking back, and he would alternately grunt and mutter in his attempt to move forward, and then suddenly turn and run, shrieking that he would not go back and they could not make him. Finally they reached the village, and found the old building. Inside Daniel started to weep, begging them not to imprison him– her– and that they were cruel to wish to do so.

"Oh, for crying out loud." Jack groused. "If we can help you, we will. But only when you're out of Daniel! Hey, stop that! Big doe eyes do not a sympathetic colonel make."

At the wall Sam put her hand on Daniel's shoulder, trying to offer some comfort to Candice. "What's it like in there?" she asked softly.

"In Daniel?" there was a sniff. "Very interesting. He's even better looking in here than he is on the outside. And he thinks you're pretty."

Sam's eyes grew large. "What?"

"He likes your blue eyes. And your mouth." There was a lamentful sigh. "I wish I had blue eyes. Then maybe he'd want me like he does you."

Sam's face grew pink, flushing all across her cheeks. "Actually, I meant what's it like in there." She mumbled, indicating the wall.

"Ahem." Jack caught their attention, saving Sam. "Sam, why don't you figure out how to make this thing work again. In the meantime, Candice, why don't you tell me how you and your maids ended up in there." He sat down and patted the floor next to him.

Daniel sat down and drew his knees up, sniffing softly. "Exploring."

"Excuse me?"

"Exploring." Candice– in Daniel– leaned against Jack, cheek on his shoulder. Jack shifted uncomfortably. "I was running away from home because my father wanted me to marry this horrible, fat, ugly thing, and I ended up here with my maids. We came in here to explore a bit, and looked in the light there."

"Aha." As Daniel, or Candice, snuggled closer and sighed, Jack quickly stood up and away from her. "Sam?"

"Found it, sir." Sam said sheepishly.

"And?"

"It appears that the switch was flipped to 'out' instead of 'in,' O'Neil." Teal'c stated.

Jack bent down to inspect the wall, and sure enough, there was something that looked very much like a light switch, with four setting running top to bottom: in-complete, in-partial, off, out-partial, and out-complete. It was switched to out-partial. "For crying out loud." Jack grumbled, and flicked the switch up to in-partial. "Okay. Daniel, if you can hear me in that head of yours, grab onto something and hang on so you don't get sucked out with Princess Candy here."

"Candice."

"Right. My apologies."

Bending down, giving one final sniff and woeful glance at Jack, Daniel looked into the red light. It grew brighter and brighter, and then there was the equivalent of an explosion. When they all opened their eyes and sat up Daniel was sitting with his legs splayed out in front of him, his glasses crooked on his face.

Jack squinted at him. "Princess Candy?"

Daniel looked at him from the corner of his eye. "Jack, call me that again, and I will make my next report to you thirty pages long and about artifacts."

A broad grin spread across Jack's face. "Danny Boy!"

Later that evening, after another team came in, flipped the switch to out-complete and saved the princess and maids, SG-1 collapsed in Jack's living room.

"What's going to happen to her?" Sam asked.

"To Princess Candy?" Jack leaned back in his comfy chair and stretched out his legs. "She's being returned home. Her father has agreed to cancel the wedding to the said horrible, fat, and ugly thing, and is now entering into negotiations with General Hammond on a proper dowry."

Teal'c tipped his head. "For who, O'Neil?"

Jack nodded towards the couch. "For Daniel."

Daniel groaned and slouched down further into the couch.

_Ding Dong_.

"Pizza!" Jack stood up. "Teal'c, would you mind getting the door while I get my wallet?"

"Indeed."

Sam turned to Daniel as they left. "Daniel, Candice said some things to me– about you."

Daniel looked apprehensive. "About what?"

"She said– you thought I was pretty."

Blue eyes grew large, and a faint pink rose up to color his cheeks.

"And that you liked my eyes."

The pink began to spread.

"And my mouth."

The flush reached the tips of his ears. As his mouth opened and closed, Sam watched him and smiled. Seemingly satisfied she leaned back into the couch cushions. "Good."

"What?" Daniel asked.

"I think you're pretty, too."

Not Again!

By Mara-DragonMaster


End file.
